Sunday, July 15, 2007

An FPS Girl in an MMORPG World

Over at the excellent gaming website,, I participated in a contest where you write a gaming related article. The winner would win Intel's Core 2 Duo X6800 Extreme processor and about $1000 USD and a small contract with I participated and wrote several articles, here is one of them that got me some renown and critical acclaim within the website. Remember, this is not exactly my opinion and viewpoint of the game, but rather a fictional and satirical take on 'World of Warcraft'.

I was never a big MMORPG gamer. I was the type of person who preferred to fight with honor, bravery and selflessness in games such as “America’s Army”. I never once thought about playing those horrid and pointless blasphemous atrocities known as MMORPGs.

I have heard tales of marriages breaking, lives destroyed, careers lost, financial bankruptcy and an out of control addiction. Some of these are pure exaggerations but others are real.

Why do I hate MMORPGs? It broke me and my boyfriend up. I played many trials of such horrific creations in the past and grew hopelessly bored with the amount of unrealistic tasks I must complete (whereas my ex loved it). I also grew bored of having to kill hundreds of animals for ‘experience’ or items that seemingly fall off their corpses. (I mean honestly, how does an ultra-powerful Death Star-like Elven sword fall off a boar?)

Unfortunately, me and my clan broke up and we went our separate ways. I grew tired of the same old maps, the same old strategies, the same old weapons and the same old idiotic twelve year old who calls you a hacker for killing him. The FPS genre turned stale…

One afternoon, at my local store, I picked up a copy of a computer journalism magazine known as “PC Gamer”. It contained two demos in one disc, one of which is an RTS called “Company of Heroes” and the other, a 14-day trial of World of Warcraft.

Unfortunately, my computer couldn’t handle the shouts and battle-cries of valorous soldiers of the past giving away their lives for their respective nations. So I decided to give this fantasy RTS turned MMORPG a try.

I created my account, downloaded and installed the game and I was off. I had many races to choose from, but whom shall I be? How about an extremely small, puny creature that you may find in other people’s lawns opposite the plastic pink flamingo? No.

How about an oversized cow? No. An overgrown human-grape hybrid with impossibly long ears? No. But alas, I have found it. The race we are all most familiar with: the human.

Now I must choose my social status. Do I become a valiant crusader fighting for justice? Do I become a malevolent sorcerer of the shadow? Nope. How about a deceitful cloaking rogue, someone who wouldn't think twice before sticking a knife behind your back? Nah, I’ll just go with a medieval version of the modern day infantryman: the Warrior, the backbone of every army.

Now I enter the magical and fantastical world of Azeroth, where lead CAN be turned into gold. I see a heavily armored figure in front of me, someone known as Willem. I wondered what was with the horridly annoying floating exclamation mark on his head, so I asked him. But before he answered my question, he gave me a task. I promptly ignored it, like he ignored my question.

So I ventured within the cathedral and saw more people with exclamation marks on their heads. What kind of crazy fad is going on here? I gave up and decided to do their pointless and menial tasks. I killed one wolf and another popped up to replace it. So I killed that one, but their was no end to the amount of wolves that spawn. So I returned to tell the guy with the exclamation mark that there was no hope and he was completely screwed. Strangely enough, his exclamation mark turned into a question mark. I asked him about it and he gave me some copper and some armor.

Then a column of light burst from the ground and encompassed my warrior. I thought she was a goner to this strange volcanic eruption of bright light but it was all over as soon as it began. Somehow, I leveled. My health increased, my attributes increased and all was swell.

Now I have another task to complete: I must go and kill these candle-worshipping rat mining laborers known as “Kobolds”. Now I can understand killing wolves, most of which are somewhat mindless, violent creatures that would gnaw you limbs off. But why do I have to kill these ugly rodent creatures who are just trying to make a living?

What do the humans of Azeroth have against immigrant rodent laborers? Heck, these poor Kobolds are living in poverty camps whilst the humans are enjoying their nice, luxurious cathedral.

I took off from the land of Northshire. My warrior isn’t a mass murderer. I entered a town known as Goldshire and saw people with silver exclamation marks on their heads. Now these must be the people who are rich enough to afford such glamorous holographic exclamation marks. Strangely, no one is offering me any type of work.

So I take off in hopes of finding someone who will want my services. I wander around, killed a few wolves and bears here and there but I am still unemployed. I am tempted to head back to Northshire but I must stand by my morals. After further wandering, I see a bunch of those ugly poor immigrant rodent laborers working in a mine and asked them if they needed any help. I guess the system works by you talking to someone with a yellow exclamation mark on their heads. But these Kobolds had none.

But I ventured in the mine regardless because these are my friends... or so I thought. One of them came after me and lunged his pickaxe on my hapless warrior. I run further into the mine but alas, I succumbed to the dark void encompassing my vision. It is the end, I have died...

Now I am a ghost, with an even larger ghost in front of me. This larger ghost resembles an angel. So I ask him/her if I am in heaven but he/she ignores me and tells me that they can send me back for a price. Dang monopolistic greedy angels…

What the heck is wrong with this game? Back-stabbing immigrant ‘friends’, Hitler-like guards in cathedrals, holographic exclamation marks? No thanks, I’ll stick to my hardcore FPS games.

1 comment:

Pixelated Scraps said...

Nice one Sykop4th -I never read any of the reviews from that contest, and so I'm glad you posted it here.